


Everything at once

by FairySick



Series: Fairy's DSMP oneshots but they aren't songfics [3]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF, mcyt
Genre: Alexis | Quackity Needs a Hug, Alexis | Quackity-centric, Angst, Body Image, Crying, Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, Depression, Don't romanticize self harm kids, Duck Hybrid Alexis | Quackity, Emotional Hurt, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Hurt Alexis | Quackity, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idk bro ya'll just like angst or whatever, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Men Crying, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Pain, Protective Karl Jacobs, Protective Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Alexis | Quackity, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Soft Alexis | Quackity, Soft Karl Jacobs, Soft Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Suicidal Thoughts, Tears, The is fluff at the every end but this literally just an angst dump, The tags are a mess I'm sorry-, Winged Alexis | Quackity, but its a part of the request so-, no beta we die like wilbur, normally i wouldn't add that in a fic, sad hugs, self projecting, they are soft for each other, ventfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:14:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29793831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairySick/pseuds/FairySick
Summary: It's fair to say everyone had their fair share of ups and downs, days where you just felt like shit for no reason, and Quackity had quite a few of them. It wasn’t normally a big deal when his insecurities became amplified and looking in the mirror got harder. Quackity simply ignored it, like he did with all his other problems, he ignored it the exact same way he did on up days.But the thing is…Ignoring things only works in the short term. The things pile up and eventually…You can't ignore it anymore.Or.Quack citity wakes up feeling shitty and things spiral out of control
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs, Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Alexis | Quackity/Sapnap, Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Series: Fairy's DSMP oneshots but they aren't songfics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2147373
Comments: 1
Kudos: 180





	Everything at once

**Author's Note:**

> So um-  
> I normally wouldn't write abt self harm bc i feel like half the time in fics (especially on wattpad, are those kids okay?) its romanticized, and i don't want to unconsciously feed the idea.  
> Like having mental health issues isnt fun-  
> Its not cute- 
> 
> But this was requested (Unfunnily enough on Wattpad, smh) and i didn't just wanna remove it-

It's fair to say everyone had their fair share of ups and downs, days where you just felt like shit for no reason, and Quackity had quite a few of them. It wasn’t normally a big deal when his insecurities became amplified and looking in the mirror got harder. Quackity simply ignored it, like he did with all his other problems, he ignored it the exact same way he did on up days. 

But the thing is…

Ignoring things only works in the short term. The things pile up and eventually…

You can't ignore it anymore.

Today was one of those off days, and Quackity could tell when he woke up. He was tried as hell even though he had slept well into the afternoon, and he felt off, drained. Mentally drained. Quackity was just numb, his whole body felt heavy and he could bring himself to move. Even though he knew he had to. It was like his limbs didn’t work right anymore. 

What Quackity was feeling wasn’t sadness, per se. He was just kinda done. Done with everything.  _ Done with life.  _

Quackity grimaced at that, knowing too well that if he dwelled on that thought any longer it would only make him feel worse. He was fine with just mildly hating himself, thank you very much.

Quackity knew how to deal with days like this: Stay in bed, watch TV to distract himself, eat some comfort food, and finally cuddle his boyfriends like the touched starved gremlin he is. They certainly weren’t the best coping methods, but they were way healthier than what he used to do. 

Quackity felt around on the bed, looking for the familiar feeling of his fiances’ warmth, only to be met with empty bedsheets. He opened his eyes fully turning his head to the side as he stared at Karl’s empty spot on the bed. Quackity felt tears prick the corner of his eyes, but he had no idea why. It wasn’t like this was the first time he’d woken up alone, he knew that they were downstairs and that they’d come to check up on him ever so often. 

Somehow Quackity wasn’t convinced, and he felt his wings subconsciously wrap around him as a makeshift hug.

Why didn’t they wake him up? They usually wake him up if it got past 12 pm.

Was it because Karl had disappeared again? (Was Quackity not good enough for him?)

Or was it because Sapnap was still pissed about Quackity’s casino? (Quackity was really sorry he was spending so much time on it, but building it helped him ignore all the awful shit happening.)

It was his fault, wasn’t it?

He’d gotten too absorbed in his plans and projects that he’d pushed Karl and Sapnap away. 

Why were they still with him? He’d wormed his way into a perfectly happy relationship and fucking poisoned it with all his baggage. He was ugly as fuck too, he was practically a twig and his wings were all banged up and misshapen (god, they were the worse fucking color too).  _ Seriously, what did Sapnap and Karl see in him? _

Karl was lanky too, but in a cute way, his long limbs making him look slender and effortlessly elegant. He had the cutest laugh Quackity had ever heard, and it was so easy to fluster the tall brunette it was adorable. And Sapnap was stocky. His more chubby body made his bear hugs the best in the world, Quackity got completely swallowed in Sapnap’s arms, at it was the safest, warmest feeling ever.

Quackity on the other hand was just that obnoxious, loud, Spanish-speaking kid. He had nothing going for him. At all.

He-

Quackity let out a groan, forcing himself to sit up.

Thinking like would get him nowhere, he already felt bad, why make himself feel worse? Quackity needed to get on with his day, he needed to do at least some part of his daily routine and be even the slightest bit productive.

_ He was already enough of a failure as is- _

Quackity had to drag himself out of bed, each step taken towards the bath felt like it took an eternity, but eventually, he got there.

He felt all dirty and uncomfortable; Quackity just wanted to get in the bath and get his day started already.

He wrenched open the door, slowly but desperately peeling off his clothes. He turned around as he was pulling down his shorts, catching a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror and he turned to face the shinny surface. 

Big mistake.

Every single insecurity Quackity had, were suddenly shoved straight into his face. The mirror silently screamed at him, reminding him just how ugly he really was, there was no chance of denying it at this point. He couldn't see his ribs, but my god, was he so sickeningly thin. He had no curves whatsoever.

The various scars that Quackity usually considered signs for persistence and victory suddenly became horrifying blemishes and disfigurements in The Mirror's vilifying eye. 

Especially the permanent mark on his lip he'd gotten from Techno, a reminder that he was weak, no, worthless. 

It was a harsher reminder that he couldn't stand up to authority, even when he was doing his best to protect the people he loved. 

He still couldn't do it. 

God, he was so pathetic. He couldn't do anything right, why was he even born?

Quackity just wanted to disappear, to get away from the awful thoughts that constantly bounced around in his head. He wanted to able to look at a pool of water or a tall building, without wondering what it would be like to jump off or drown himself.

He wanted to release, god damn when was the last time he cried? Everything that was bottled up suddenly overflowed and drowned him, all his problems shaken up by some sick god.

Quackity let out a silent sob as his vision blurred, and he mindlessly reached for his left arm, fingers digging into the flesh as he broke down. He needed release so badly.

_ He just wanted to stop hurting. _

Quackity's nails were short and bitten, and did nothing to break the skin, no matter how harder Quackity scratched, the little nubs just seemed to glide over. It still hurt, but it wasn't enough pain to stop the hurt. He needed to bleed, bleed out his sorrows. 

Quackity glanced around, looking, praying for something sharp as he dug his fingers harder, needing that constant, dull pain to keep him somewhat grounded. 

He finally spotted some hair scissors, way up high on the cabinet where couldn't reach. 

Quackity couldn't help but laugh, Karl and Sapnap still went through the trouble of hiding things even though he had gotten "better". It was a lame effort, though, they had gotten sloppy.

He scrambled up on top of the sink, standing with shaky legs as he reached for salvation. Quackity finger's closed around the cold metal handles and he pulled back, sitting on the sink with his arm in his lap. He was about to cut when he paused.

Did he really want to do this?

Did he go through all this work to get better, just to relapse over some unexplainable feelings? He'd been clean for so long. It was almost a year since he last cut. Karl and Sapnap were so proud of him...

The same Karl and Sapnap who couldn't stand to be around him anymore.

That thought spurred him to keep going, the sick twisted part of knowing that this would hurt them enough to make them care. He kinda wanted to see the horrified looks on their faces when they'd found out he relapsed so badly. 

Quackity opened raised the scissors, holding them awkwardly as he began to saw away at his arm, his shaky hands, and the dullness of the blades making it hard for him cut a clean line. 

"Chingad..." He bit down on his lip, cursing as his tears blinded him from seeing anything correctly. 

His hands and body were shaking violently now and he unknowingly dropped the scissors with a loud clang. 

"Shit, fuck-" Quackity cursed, already hearing hurried footsteps coming up the stairs.

Who was it, Karl? Sapnap?

Quackity didn't have time to think before the door was thrown open, and his to finances made their way into the room.

"Quackity, are you-" 

Karl's terrified gasp rang out through the room, and Quackity had to stop himself from smiling.

It didn't much really, all it took was the broken sob from Karl and the soft 'Oh no, Baby...' from Sapnap to make Quackity jerk his head up, feeling terrible almost instantly.

Why had he wanted to hurt them so bad before? 

"Shit, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Karl, please don't cry-" Quackity stammered out, reaching his hand out weakly as the guilt suddenly crashed into him. 

Quackity winced slightly as his fiances' barreled into him, wrapping the smaller male in a warm hug. He heard Karl saying something but he couldn't focus, all he could think about was how much it would have hurt them if he went through with it. Quackity felt his arms being raised, checked to see if he needed immediate care, but Quackity already knew he wasn't bleeding. His hands had been too shaky to press down hard enough to draw blood. 

He felt one of them pull away, and he cried out, apologizing frantically as he reached out for them, only to be shushed and pulled closer.

He heard the water running but it was muffled, and he just barely felt the kisses being pressed into his neck and face. 

Quackity was so tried, so ashamed, he couldn't believe he'd thrown away a year's work of progress. And more importantly, hurt his finances. 

He closed his eyes, sobbing loudly now as held on to Sapnap's shirt (he figure he the one who was holding him due to the size difference). He felt hands running through his hair (Karl?), and he just couldn't anymore.

The floodgates burst and he screamed into Sapnap's neck, shaking violently as he poured every single once of pain and regret out.

Karl and Sapnap only pulled him closer, making him feel guilty in the warmth of their embrace. 

'He didn't deserve any of this, and they would defiantly be talking about it later.' Were Quackity's last thoughts before he passed out, going limp in his lovers' arms. 

**Author's Note:**

> Oops! this request triggered my allergic reaction to reading and i sneezed so massively fucking hard I deadass astral ✨projected✨ onto Quackity with such force it induced a seizure that caused my hand to slip and accidently write an unnecessarily angsty vent fic-
> 
> (Also if ur worrying, I'm fine guys <3 i've been clean for around 7 months now)


End file.
